Saturday 11 April 2009

Easter Holidays


Dear member,
It has been a quiet week this week down at the club – because it´s been closed. We close every year at Easter as it tends to be a bit sparse, - plenty of Spanish folk mind (don´t know where they all come from), and anyway our Elsie has her work cut out organizing the pensioners Aussie Rules football 5 a-side tournament which takes place every Good Friday on the Levante Beach.
I feel I must apologize for my absence from my post on stage at The Cumberland Ex-Servicemen´s last Tuesday as I was accidently locked in my potting shed by my old friend and domino partner Charlie Barrett. Charlie obviously thought that I had gone home and left the door open, and slammed it shut and snapped shut the lock, when I had in fact popped back inside to use the chemical toilet during an emergency brought on by a pint of Charlies home brewed “Old Peculiar” earlier. I tried to raise the alarm by banging my spade against the coal scuttle but when this proved inadequate I waved my Y-fronts out of the window on a long handled trowel. (I was desperate, as the light was fading fast, most of the allotment dwellers had gone home and I´d run out of toilet paper). This caught the attention of next doors Jack Russell who managed to chew the underpants free and this in turn caught the attention of his owner Mrs. Sarawack when she found him retching and whimpering in his basket some time later. It was this kindly old lady who phoned the fire brigade. (Elsie still wants to know how come Mrs. Sarawack knew they were MY underpants).
The Club re-opens this Tuesday with the Quiz night followed by Karaoke with our Steward Nigel if you´re desperate
for all the latest club news see this month´s Cumberland Claptrap – out now.
Download my books "Chasing The Cheese - A Year In The Life of A Benidorm Class B Celeb", "Are You Affiliated" and "The Best of The Cumberland Claptrap" for FREE over on www.kevinholt.net (you can leave a review on the guest book)