Saturday 31 January 2009

Member Attacked By His Own Pigeons!!


I can hardly begin to describe my horror at the events of this week, Ernie Spencer who is a lifelong friend, long standing member, and vice chairman of the pigeon club was rounded on by his own stock in an unprovoked attack in his loft at the back of his allotment which left him badly shaken and covered in feathers. His wife Norma found him laid on his back flapping about fighting for breath and covered in millet, she takes up the story.
“I’d been shouting for Ernie that his tea was ready but when I got no response after about a quarter of an hour, I started to get worried, it’s not like Ernie isn’t that, not on a Wednesday anyway, we always have homemade steak pie of a Wednesday it’s always been his favourite has steak pie. Well, I always get down to the butchers good and early and get the choice cuts of meat, if there’s any fat on it I insist he cuts it off, but he’s very good like that is Mr. Toadman, - he’ll do anything you ask him to – within reason. His wife is a lovely person as well, she’s done wonders with her garden has Edna, especially when you consider the operation, two months she was in hospital you know, and the funny thing is that nobody really knows what she was in for. I mean, she said it was for laser eye surgery, but as far as I know she’s never worn glasses and when she came out she had a stoop and breasts like a couple of bowling balls, certainly nothing like what they looked like when I last saw her in the boxercise class that we go to of a Tuesday night, - they were swinging about like a couple of dish cloths in a polythene bag that night. I’m not saying she’s had plastic surgery or anything, but she can certainly afford it, that’s all. Let’s face it, she’s not short of a few bob isn’t Edna, not since her first husband left her all that money when he died sudden like. Fell off the ladder whilst painting the guttering, a bit strange that, - I mean, who paints the guttering wearing just his underpants and slippers? – Anyway, when I got to Ernie’s allotment I could see all his birds flapping about and making that horrible noise that they make, and I looked down and saw him writhing about on his back trying to punch his pigeons.”
After treatment by emergency services at the scene Ernie was eventually well enough to tell his story (and eat his steak pie). “By, it were a rum do were that, aven’t known owt like it, not in 35 year of keeping birds. I normally keep me cocks and hens separate, - in the off breeding season at any rate, but one of the cocks had somehow managed to chew through the little door in the loft and broken in to the girls quarters. I must have turned up just as he was coming into heat and he just went for me. I’ve spoken to Ron Spigott who’s been at this game even longer than me and he reckons that he’s NEVER known a bloke be attacked by his own cock before, - not in the middle of the day. Normally a cock of that size would just hang there unless provoked, but this thing just stood up and spat at me!! – so that was it, I was a villain of the peace and before I knew what had hit me they were all on me, - that´s gratitude for yer – I´ve given them birds me life”.

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